Bad Mojo
by fire mystic
Summary: Tifa is a victim of bad magic, and Reno thinks he knows who can help. AU ReTi for The Sacred and Profane.


_For The Sacred and Profane._

_I opted for subtitles rather than pagebreaks; I liked them better than a line for this. This is AU. Certain characters are OOC, while others I tried to maintain as much as possible, the reasons for which I hope are obvious. My warning for the day? Silliness and witchcraft to follow._

_I neither own nor profit from ffvii or its characters. _

_Enjoy._

_fire mystic_

Bad Mojo

**A Slice of Heaven**

It was a perfect night. Warm, quiet, and there was a full moon reflecting off the water of the lake to their right as a gentle breeze ruffled through the trees to their left. It was the ideal night for a romantic walk along the lake, and Reno was beside her, his arm curled around her shoulders. Admittedly, that would have made it perfect without all the rest.

She was dating Reno.

Even now, after a couple of months, Tifa couldn't quite believe it, and the butterflies that took off as even the thought of him kept her from thinking straight.

She looked up at him as they walked, and Reno turned from his slow, lazy gait, pulling her in close, a grin playing across his lips. Her eyes already slipping closed in anticipation of his kiss, Tifa never saw the grin.

She also never saw the person who was watching enviously from the cover of the trees.

**Bad Things Happen to Good People**

The next day was bright and beautiful. In fact, that's how all of Tifa's days seemed lately, and she had another date with Reno to look forward to later in the evening.

The last thing she expected as she went on her morning run through the woods was the pretty young woman who stepped onto the trail ahead of her.

"Thank goodness," the woman gasped, relief evident in her voice. "I've been lost for an hour, and just found the trail. Can you point me in the right direction?" She asked as Tifa came to a stop.

What Tifa should have done was run in the other direction as fast as she could. Of course, unable to imagine any danger from the sweet, vulnerable looking woman, she was already pointing down the trail, looking towards where she was pointing.

"You're not too far off. Just a mile that way, and you'll be in the town park."

When she turned back, the woman had moved closer, uncomfortably so, and was weaving a strange pattern in the air, her face twisted in a mask of angry hatred, her voice morphed from sweet-as-honey to jagged-as-broken glass.

"What are you…?"

"Reno should have been mine!"

They were the last words Tifa heard before an invisible weight settled on her chest and slithered along her skin and the world went dark.

**Waking Up **

When next she became aware, Tifa was still standing on the path, exactly as she had been. She remembered everything very clearly, but there was no sign of the woman, or that anything out of the ordinary had happened. Had she imagined it all? Had it been some kind of waking nightmare, or a hallucination?

"What the hell?" At least that's what she should have muttered to the empty woods, but instead all that came out was an incredibly loud belch. Slapping a hand over her mouth, Tifa turned left and right, scanning her surroundings self-consciously.

Attempting "excuse me", although there was no one there, ended with the same outcome.

What the hell, indeed.

**Smelling the Coffee**

She had been cursed. That was the only explanation. She sat in her kitchen replaying the morning's events, and had come to the conclusion that the woman must have been a witch, and she had somehow ended up on her bad side. But how? The woman had said something to her as she waved her hands around in the air, but Tifa couldn't quite remember the words, and the longer she thought about it the dimmer the woman's features became as well. All she could recall was…no, it just wasn't there.

It wasn't important, she thought. Figuring out what she was going to do now was her first priority. Would it wear off in time for her date? How would she manage to get through the night without saying anything?

Forget getting through the night! If her current condition persisted, she wouldn't be able to hide it forever, not from Reno, and not from anyone else.

And what would Reno think? How would he handle it? As good as his sense of humor was, Somehow she didn't think Reno would be very amused about a girlfriend that burped every time she tried to speak.

One step at a time, she decided. Get through the night, and then worry about the rest.

**Facing the Music **

Tifa was prepared when Reno knocked on the door. She had written a note for Reno saying she had lost her voice. Now all she had to do was remember not to speak.

It might have even worked. It wasn't until she opened the door that Tifa found out that her new unladylike affliction was only half of the problem.

The second Reno touched her, she started sneezing uncontrollably, and her nose started to run profusely.

Running back into the house to grab some tissues, by the time Tifa reached the box, her irritating reaction had stopped.

Reno was waiting, concerned, when she returned.

"You okay, Tifa?"

Having lost her concentration, Tifa forgot about staying quiet, and tried to answer Reno. She clapped her hand over her mouth at the sound that erupted. Staring at him wide-eyed, she lifted her hand to explain, her mouth open, but remembered at the last second what would happen if she even tried to speak. Her hand firmly back in place, she grabbed his arm to pull him into the house, only to be spun into another fit of violent sneezing and leaking nose.

Racing back to the tissues, her shoulders sagged and she started to cry as she realized the second part of the curse. First, her voice was taken from her, and now she couldn't even touch Reno. It was over, she knew. Reno wouldn't want her now, wouldn't want to deal with this mess.

Gentle hands came down on her shoulders, withdrawing at her reaction. She turned to find Reno standing with his hands out in front of him, wanting to touch her, recognizing that there was something drastically wrong.

"Can you find a way to explain?"

Tifa sniffled, hopefully the last of it, as she tried to think rationally. Reno had figured out enough that he wasn't trying to touch her, and that helped. She pulled the note she had written out of her pocket and handed it to him. Unfolding it, he read it quickly and handed it back, a curious question in his eyes. Tifa held up one finger, asking him to wait, as she ran into the kitchen to grab a pencil, quickly adding to the note and handing it back to him.

"_I'VE BEEN CURSED!"_

Reno read this new information three times, each time laughing harder than the time before. By the time he finished, he was in tears, bent over, clutching his stomach.

As the gales of laughter subsided, he stood up to find Tifa staring at him, anger making her brown eyes sparkle dangerously.

"Oh, damn. You're serious." He stated.

"Yes I'm serious," came out as a string of belches, and she took the piece of paper from him again to add to the note.

"_That's what happens every time I try to talk,"_ she wrote, presenting it to him to read before she continued to write. _"And the sneezing and runny nose seem to be from touching you."_

Reno read, his brows knitting together.

"Who would have done this?"

Tifa shrugged, writing, _"I can't remember really. Her hair was…no, I don't remember."_

Well, that wasn't very helpful, was it?

Reno headed for the door, signaling for her to follow.

"There's only one person I know who might be able to fix this."

**Off to see the Wizard…or Witch**

Tifa sat in the passenger seat of the car as Reno drove, consciously keeping her distance and remaining silent. He had surprised her; he didn't seem overly upset or freaked out. Yes, he had laughed a bit, but he hadn't run screaming into the night, and now he was taking her to someone who might be able to help. At the moment, she felt very lucky to have him as a boyfriend. She scribbled on the piece of paper, holding it up for him to see.

"_Thank you for helping me."_

He read the note, eyes flickering between the road, the note and her face.

"Of course I'm helping you. What did you expect?"

"_I didn't think you'd love me anymore,"_ she admitted on the paper.

The car swerved as Reno read that sentence, and he pulled over for a minute, reaching out to touch her. She flinched, putting the tissue box between them, and he sat back in his seat.

"Belching, sneezing, sniffling, I love you no matter what, Tifa. I've been trying to show you that from the beginning. She could have turned you into a frog, and I'd take you home and get you a pond if I couldn't fix it."

A pond. Tifa could just see herself floating on a lily pad, grabbing at flies with her tongue as Reno stood by blowing kisses at her.

Maybe a few burps and a Reno allergy weren't so bad after all.

**A Spoonful of Sugar Might Have Helped**

He parked the car in front of a strangely shaped house. Tifa couldn't quite figure it out; it was…crooked. And lopsided. But somehow it all seemed to make sense when a young woman answered the door. Tifa wasn't sure what to think of her either, dressed in short-shorts and thigh high boots, with a scrap of material acting as a shirt and a bandana hanging from her head that might have been the missing parts of the shirt.

"Reno!" The girl squealed as she bounced up and down, clapping her hands. She turned her wide, bright eyes on Tifa and smiled brilliantly, extending her hand. "Yuffie Kisaragi, Ninja Witch of Wutai at your service." Tifa took a chance extending her own hand, unsure whether the curse extended to everyone or just Reno. She was profoundly relieved that there was no negative reaction when she touched the girl, but when she opened her mouth to speak, she found out that particular part of the curse seemed to extend to everyone as she belched in Yuffie's face.

Yuffie stifled a giggle, turning to Reno. "I see you've come to me for a specific reason. Come on in."

The inside of the house was as confusing as the outside. There were stairs that led to solid walls and halls that got smaller and larger as they walked through them, Reno explaining as much as he could from her notes as they went. Tifa felt like she had entered a funhouse, and was practically dizzy by the time Yuffie gestured for her to sit on a couch. Yuffie disappeared for a moment and came back dragging a large trunk. Opening it, she stood back, studying the contents.

"Hmmm. Let's see. Do you know the witch that cursed you?"

Tifa shook her head and shrugged at the same time.

"Is that 'yes' or 'I don't know'?"

Tifa tried to mime the answer, but looked more like she was directing air traffic. About to give up, Reno handed her a piece of paper with a pencil. Tifa wrote quickly.

"_I don't remember her."_

Yuffie huffed her hair off her forehead. "I'm gonna guess you don't remember how she weaved the spell, either."

Tifa shook her head.

"That would have helped, but we'll find a counter-curse. It just might take a bit longer."

She fished around in the trunk for what felt like an eternity. Tifa couldn't see what was in the trunk, but the way the girl was busily rummaging, it must have been a mess. She started tossing out bits and pieces of things; a feather here, a stick she might have picked up in the woods, a scrap of lace, which Yuffie shoved in her pocket muttering something to the effect of "I've been looking for those", and…was that a rubber chocobo.

"Aha!" She stated, popping up with a vial of dark green liquid in her hand and extending it to Tifa. "Drink this."

Tifa glanced at Reno for reassurance. He nodded, but she didn't find much comfort in his expression. He looked dubious at best. Desperate to try anything, she uncorked the vial and slugged down the disgusting liquid.

She gagged, she hiccupped, and then she calmed down, feeling slightly different. Could it be? Testing the cure, she said "it worked."

What came out wasn't a belch. Oh no.

Now she was braying like a donkey!

Yuffie jumped at the piercing sound, then quickly dug back into the trunk, muttering.

"Wrong one. I knew it was the wrong one; completely wrong shade of green. Now I need an orange one and an…oh yes! Here it is!"

She popped back up with two more vials in her hands, one vivid orange, the other bright lime green. Handing them to Tifa, she tapped the orange one emphatically.

"That one first. That will counteract that other green one, and then this one."

Unsure whether it was a good idea after what had happened the first time, Tifa reluctantly downed the orange liquid first, as instructed. Trying to speak proved Yuffie right; the braying was gone, and she was back to the slightly less obnoxious burping.

Feeling empowered, she drank the second vial. The liquid burned on the way down, and, oh Gaia! Was that smoke coming out of her nose?

Yuffie was flapping her hands frantically, reaching into the trunk and coming up with yet another liquid, this one milky white. She opened it herself and poured it down Tifa's throat, pinching her nose closed, as Tifa panicked, waiting for fire to shoot out next.

On second thought, if she could set Yuffie on fire, at least she might have some poetic justice.

The milky liquid went to work, and the burning stopped, as did the smoke.

Reno stepped forward at this point.

"Yuffie," he admonished, a sufficient warning in his voice.

She popped a piece of gum in her mouth, smacking loudly.

"Oh, Reno. This is nothing. At least she didn't grow any extra arms or legs." She waved her arms. "Or a tail." One hand settled on her hip while the other scratched her head distractedly. "Yeah, tails are almost impossible to get rid of. And we have to avoid the blue stuff. I've heard some of it makes wings shoot out of your back." Once more, rummaging, she pulled out one last vial, this one pastel pink.

"Here. This is practically full-proof. Guaranteed by the great Cetran Witch Aeris, that goody two-shoes. If anything will work, this is it."

Reno was nodding. "I've heard of her. Yuffie's right. She knew her stuff."

Tifa swigged the liquid, bracing herself. It tasted like…cotton candy. She hadn't expected that.

"I feel better."

Real words! Finally!

She reached out for Reno, and he took her hand. No sneezing, no runny nose.

And she could remember. The memory of that day in the woods came flooding back, and she recalled her attacker.

"She was blonde, kind of petite, really pretty," she blurted out.

"Elena!" Yuffie hissed, balling her fists at her sides. "The Witch of Shinra. That one's gonna be trouble, I tell ya. What did she want?"

"Reno. She wanted Reno. She said he should have been hers."

"She would think that, selfish witch that she is." Then she waggled her eyebrows at Reno and giggled. "But you are kinda hard to resist, ya know."

Tifa was glad to see that even considering Reno's great ego, he had the decency to blush.

"Thanks, Yuffie, but someone's already claimed my heart."

Tifa choked, sitting up straighter, head tilting questioningly to the side. Reno glanced at her with a boyish charm that made her weak all over, winked, and turned back to Yuffie.

"So what can we do about this witch? Elena, is it?"

Studying the items in the trunk thoughtfully, a smile crept across Yuffie's face.

"Oh, you just leave her to me." She pulled out a small glowing ball. "I know exactly how to fix her butt."

Reno looked at Tifa. Tifa looked at Reno.

They shared a moment of absolute understanding.

Whatever happened, whatever insanity might ensue, they were going to make sure they were nowhere to be found when the plan of Yuffie the Wonder Witch of Wutai backfired!


End file.
